the 5 Love Languages – Dr. Gary Chapman

The 5 Love Languages is a book written by Dr. Gary Chapman who is a psychologist specializing in relationships.   This is a great book whether you are in a relationship or not.  It gives you some ideas on the different ways a person expresses love in a relationship.  Often times, our partner has a different way of expressing love whether it be acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts or physical touch.  These ways of expressing love are what Dr. Chapman calls “the love languages.”

Love Languages

It is rare to have the same love language as your partner.  We tend to speak our primary love language and become confused when our spouse doesn’t understand what we’re communicating.  The key is to discover yours and your partner’s primary love language and to express your love in the way that your partner understands.

To determine your love language, Dr. Chapman has a questionnaire in his book.  However, some questions you could ask yourself are:
How do I express love to others? (buy them gifts, spend quality time with them, tell them I love them often, physical touch, or provide service to them in some way – cooking dinner, cleaning the house etc)
What do I complain about most that my partner isn’t doing? (having dinner ready for me, spending time with me, buy me flowers or presents, holds my hand, or telling me he loves me)

the 5 Love Languages
1) Words of Affirmation – “If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, etc.”
2) Quality Time – “This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial.”
3) Acts of Service – “If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.”
4) Gifts – “Your partner taking the time to give you a gift can make you feel appreciated.”
5) Physical Touch – “This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language.”
* Dr. Chapman explains each love language thoroughly in his book.

For me, my love language is acts of service. My partner and I would argue and fight because he had a different love language than I.  His love language is physical touch.  We were both expressing our love language to each other and the message was getting lost in translation.  I would always have dinner ready for him when he got home because that is what I wanted him to do for me.  But he didn’t know that because I didn’t communicate that.  I wasn’t even aware my love language was acts of service.  I feel loved and appreciated when people do things for me out of love.  I would often get upset because I would come home from school or practicum late at night and would have to cook my own dinner.  Then when I had dinner ready for him after a long day, I felt he didn’t appreciate it.  Long story short, we both had a conversation of what we need from each other in order to feel loved.  Now I make sure to communicate my love for him through physical touch and he communicates he loves me with acts of service.

If you would like to learn more about the 5 Love Languages, I highly suggest you go and buy his book.  It’s available in every Chapters.

Chapman, G. The 5 Love Languages: the Secret to Love that Lasts.

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